The Theory of Faff.
By: furie (26/02/2007)
The Theory of Faff
Faff
verb intr faffed, faffing 1. colloq To act in a fussy, uncertain way, not achieving very much; to dither. Form: faff about (also) To 'dither' indeed. Faff just about sums up the experience of any CoasterForce members at a meet up at a theme park. It seems that once a group exceeds ten people, faff is inevitable. A scientific method for understanding faff, predicting faff and manipulating faff has therefore been developed. The faff zone.
Central to faff theory is the concept of 'The faff zone'. The faff zone occurs when ten or more people, of polite acquaintance, gather together in one place. The faff zone tends to consist of varying sub-groups:
1. Natterers - These small groups are too busy enjoying small talk to take much interest in moving anywhere.
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| 2. Snapshotters - There will always be one snapshotter in a faff zone. Taking advantage of the quiet milling around time to take photos of anything and everything close by.
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| 3. Urinators - 'Hang on a minute, I need a wee!' At least two will be present in the faff zone. Social decorum states that they must never visit the lavatories at the same time.
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| 4. Hair pullers - Ready to be off, these faffers can be recognised by their distinctive call of 'Can we do something please'.
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| 5. Foot muppets - All other members not coming under these categories come under the group "foot muppets". These make up the bulk of the faff zone, and are all far too polite to ever want to make a fuss.
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| 6. Decision maker - See below - This is the single person responsible for making all decisions regarding the heading of the faff zone.
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| 7. Splitters - Hair pullers strong enough to move a faff zone.
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Like a simple amoeba, the faff zone contains a central cell of decision making. Unfortunately, it is in the nature of the decision makers to be a natterer, snapshotter or urinator. Oddly, the decision maker is not usually the person saying where the next destination should be - these are just chief hair pullers or splitters. The decision maker's identity will always remain cleverly concealed, but they will always sit centrally in the faff zone.
In some instances, a faff zone can be so powerful that people move from one category to another. Some faff's have been so large that people have actually become second time urinators due to their bladders becoming full again waiting for the faff zone to move on.
The actual reason behind a faff zone is due to the large amount of differing personalities, who don’t know each other well enough to want to impose their own wills. As such, it gives the natterers, snapshotters and urinators the chance to hold back any decision making and movement. The faff zone is created, and is invariably an almost immovable force.
A typical faff zone.
Faffitational force.
If we look closely now at a faff zone, you will see that it surrounded by an invisible force (marked not so invisibly on the diagram). This is the faffitational force, and is as strong, malleable and complex as gravity. The faff zone is held firmly together by this force, and each member is connected within it's pull.
The important fact to note here though, is that if one member of the faff zone tries to leave (unless it's to take more photographs, or go to the lavatories), the faff zone is actually pulled along with them.
A splitter starts a faff zone moving.
It's a slow process, but fortunately, the faffitational force is highly elastic. A few more people will often be dragged along with the initial splitter, and the strength of the pull on the faff zone is increased, until the whole faff zone is forced to 'roll' to with the faffitational force.
The faff zone starts to roll - hair pullers first.
Once in motion, it is difficult to actually stop the faff zone. Faffitational force will quickly abandon any natterers, urinators and photographers, oddly, their faffitational force is often weak. The only exception to this is if the decision maker is in one of these groups and isn't moving. In this case, the faff zone will splinter and explode, spewing enthusiasts randomly all over a park. It is vital that if the group seems to be fragmenting to stop immediately. Do not mistake 'natural spread' for fragmentation though.
Natural Spread
Faff zone Fragmentation.
Now, we have to remember that the decision maker is the central authority on heading and destination. Though it is the splitters who are pulling the faff zone, they are not determining it's direction. Once the faff zone is in motion, it will not halt until it reaches the destination: route determined (though often not communicated by) the decision maker. If the splitters try to enforce their will, they will be left behind by the faff zone, until the faffitational force pulls them back into the rear of the faff zone.
Strays are pulled back into line.
A faff zone in motion is a wonder to behold!
With this advice, it should be possible for a group of enthusiasts to steer a faff zone around a park with some efficiency. Though the rules are not infallible, they're the best you're going to get! This article is downloadable in PDF format from here: The Theory of Faff
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